Cricketer caught swine flu...

Thing you should not do in front of animals.....

Short Story

"Can we kill our self by holding our breath?..."

They were sitting at CCD, when Raj asked this question to Sneha.

Sneha was one of the most brilliant and charming girls that Raj ever came across in his life. On the contrary, Raj was a not so brilliant-stupid guy. They say unlike charges attract each other and something similar happened in their life and they got married.

Raj never won when ever he indulged in a debate with Sneha. She always had some logic behind her answers that Raj had to accept. The giggle and laughter at the end of these battles drove him crazy.You can call it 'Male Ego' or madness, Raj wanted to prove Sneha wrong at least on one ocassion.

"What?"

Raj asked her again, "Can we kill our self by holding our breath?"

"No. Never"

Raj became curious, "how can you say that?"

"I said No... means No"

"There will be some explanation!!!"

"Ok. In simple words...After holding your breath for a certain amount of time, the nervous system will stimulate a reaction which you won't be able to control. Your brain cells will send across a message to respire"

Raj got more confused, "I don't think so. You are wrong this time"

Sneha, "Okay so what is your explanation....Come on tell me..."

Raj was silent. He kept looking at Sneha.

"Oh come on. You can't make a statement just like that. Without any proof"

Raj didn't reply and Sneha became more worried than furious, "Raj whats' going on? Say something please"

Raj kept staring at her. He was mum.

"Oh dear..Are you holding your breath"
"Okay go ahead. I know you will breath again"

Raj didn't say anything.He had a smile on his face.

"Oh please Raj. Come on. Don't be an idiot. Please.."

It had been more than 1 minute and Raj was still holding his breath...

Her eyes were brimming with tears..."Please Raj. I beg you. Please".
"Okay you won...for Gods' sake..start breathing"

Raj knew, if he will breathe, he will lose again!!!

Jokes (Title not yet decided)

Even though the fart joke from ancient Sumerian civilization in 1900 BC is believed to be the worlds' oldest joke, I think jokes were there even before the creation of earth.I don't have any evidences to prove that my theories are correct, but in todays' world who cares for evidences. You just need some media hype and you need to repeat a sentence 1000 times on television. There you go - 100 billion people thinking "Why is he saying such a simple fact daily on television?"

Creation of Earth

God *Dobrek was playing GODS in his Atari ST personal computer. For 400 years he was stuck on level 3 of the game. Level 3 was very tough and Dobrek was fed up with the machines' performance. Finally he decided to take a P break.

The best of ideas come to ones mind while emptying stomach. After an year, 'The' idea stuck him - "I should create a real game. A game with no levels and plenty of players. Players who will worship me as the ultimate power." He finished his job and got back to his workstation with this new project. Meanwhile water level in the planet 'Pusho', increased upto 400m because of unprecedented rainfall for continuous one year. Next time when your mom says not to go outside during rain, she really means it.

Dobrek, who learned civil engineering using e-books and Xeroxed version of original books, started looking at his earlier work - 'The Universe'. He admired his work for 2 years. Then he started looking for a space. "No not there.There I do my asteroidical experiments. Nope. There I go for walk. I need free space there. I do my push ups there. Not Possible". Finally he got a perfect area for his new project. "Aha, 'Pusho'. I have always neglected this cute little sphere. I will play my game here. Oh God!! okay that is me.... it is full of water. I will have to do lot of work here. At least 88 million person work per year for 4.54 billion years."

He started off with his works. Years went by. He hardly took any break. Meanwhile other planets faced drought situation. Planets which were about to have life on them through the well known scientific method of slow and steady evolution of unicellular-multicellular-mean mammals, got affected.

Dobrek finished of his job in time and finally said to himself -"Aha!! Its' almost ready. Now it's time to create my players."

-- To be continued

--*Author believes in only one religion and that is "Matfenk" and one God -"Dobrek". Whenever he gets stuck in a meeting or session, he prays to Dobrek and the very next moment he gets a break.

Getting Inspired in a Difficult Situation

It was class 7th Geography final exam. I was nervous because I was prepared for History paper. When I reached my classroom, I came to know about the mistake I committed in noting down the correct exam time table. I started going through the book, which I borrowed from a friend.

Mere getting pass marks wasn’t enough for me, I had to excel in all subjects. One mistake and I was out of the race for first rank. From last 5 years I was either coming second or third in my class. From last 5 years Abba was telling me that he will buy me a bicycle whenever I come first in my class. One mistake and my dream to ride my own bicycle would remain as a dream.

I started going through the chapters. I was not able to recollect anything. Troposphere, Stratosphere and Ionosphere sounded alien to me. I closed the book and cried in silence. Woes of a thirteen year old boy, who realized that he will have to wait for one more year to get a bicycle, made him cry.

I started looking for some inspiration. I had never been through such a situation in my entire life. I had never written any exam without proper preparation. I had never failed in my entire life. Then suddenly some weird thought stuck me. Why don’t I make this a memorable moment? Whenever I get into trouble next time, I can look back at this situation and gain confidence. This thought process gave me some confidence. I opened my book again and started going through the chapters. Still Troposphere, Stratosphere and Ionosphere sounded alien to me, but this time I was enjoying this new experience.

Finally I wrote the exam and got pass marks in Geography. I was out of the race for top rank and I ended up getting third rank. Once again Abba smiled at me when I told him my results. He was happy (as I thought then) because he need not spend those extra 1000 Rs., which matters a lot to a middle class family. I was happy because I had learnt the art of getting inspired in a difficult situation.

PS: I would have never become what I am today, without those small challenges Abba came up with. I finally got my bicycle in class XI. Abba rode the bicycle from the store till home (almost 10km).

Princess Kabisi..

There was a friend of mine,Anirudh. He was born and brought up in Dubai. He used to tell me about a princess. Her name was 'Kabisi', daughter of a Sheikh.

My friends' uncle was a plumber, so he often visited sheikhs' palace. Once he went there to repair a fountain and he took Anirudh with him just to show him the palace. When Ani was roaming around in the palace, he saw sheikhs' daughter standing at the balcony. He was mesmerized by her beauty and the thunderbolt stuck him.

Ani never saw her again, but till date he hasn't forgotten her. It's so obvious that the princess doesn't even know that there is guy who is madly in love with her.
Once I asked Ani,"do you think she will be yours one day?"
He said," She hasn't seen the outside world. I will take her out and show her how beautiful this world is. That day she will fell in love with me."

I interrupted," so when is it going to happen?".

He looked down, he was upset ......."Never".

It is been 7 years since I saw him and probably I will never see Anirudh again. But somewhere in some corner of my heart, his love for Kabisi touched me.

World is full of love , which makes this world so beautiful.

HKP Anti-Virus

Karzzz Dialogues- Revisited

1.Par Kudarat Ka Karishma Dekhiye Kabir Chacha, Woh Ladka Fir Se Ek Aur Movie Banata Hai- Karzzzzzz

2. Ye Meri acting Ka Junoon Aur Tumhare Sabr Ki Hadd Hai Jiski Wajah Se Maine Dubara Picture Ki Hai....This season HR is back as MONTY -Oh Huzooooooooorrrrrr

3. I am lucky in singing, I am lucking in acting - Tho Yeh Monty Kaun Hai?

4. Mein Ravi Verma Hoon Doston.

5. Kisi Aur Ne Mujhe Nai Pehchana Maa...Sirf Tumne Mujhe Pehchana..
(Pehchana na.tho ghar le jao...kitne saalon se humare peeche pada hai)

6. Ek Ladka Ek Movie Banata Hai, Aur Woh Movie Release Bhi Hoti Hai
Par do hi din mein woh box office se nikal kar sadak par aa jaati hai

7. Hari Om Hurry Home Hurry Home Home....

Foreshadowing

"A Thousand Splendid Suns" by Khaled Hosseini is one of the best novel that I have ever read. His first novel "The Kite Runner" is equally good.

At some places the author has used a completely different technique of story telling. I didn't like it much and I suggest he should avoid it. The one word that comes to my mind for that technique is "Spoiler"(experts call it foreshadowing). The author plainly tells the reader about the things that are going to happen next. E.g. (The Kite Runner, when Amir eats a grape)'the last bit of solid food I would eat for a long time'. Great!! Now I know Amir will be beaten up and he won't be able to eat solid food for next few months.

Wiki says: "Foreshadowing is a technique used by authors to provide clues for the reader to be able to predict what might occur later in the story. In other words, it is a literary device in which an author drops hints about the plot and what may come in the near future or, in other words, the plot developments to come later in the story."

Family Planning - New Trends

The American Way of Family Planning

Known Pakistani Taliban leader Baitullah Mehsud has 4 daughters' from his first wife. In his pursuit to get a son , last November he married the daughter of a cleric. He was making love to his second wife at his father-in-laws' house, when he was killed in an American drone attack.

Next day TOI heading read and I quote - "Desire for son led to Baitullah Mehsud's death: Report"

This definitely puts a question mark in my mind - Is this the new American way of family planning? When Americans are trying to sell their weapons and latest technology to various governments for family planning, Indians are not far behind.

The Sim'b'le Kerala Government Way

Kerala government is planning to penalize parents for having more than two children.The drafted proposal says, the government will charge a nominal fee of Rs.10,000 and thereby punish the parents for having a third child. The TKMIT -Information Technology branch pass out, Mr. P. Podimon has already coded this information in the new Kerala Family Planning software.

Code:
Full Mode: (In case the government plans to penalize those who are already having more than 2 children)
If ( count >2)
ln_extra := ln_total - 2;
ln_amount:= ln_extra*10,000;
End if;

Incremental Logic: This logic is based on the last update date. It will come handy if the revenue department is not able to recover money in time.

Select count(extra_child). family_id
into ln_extra, ln_family_id
from we_are_the_champions
where revenue_recovery_date < last_update_date;

ln_amount:= ln_extra*10,000;

update we_are_the_champions
set revenue_recovery_date = sysdate
,ln_count = NULL
where family_id = ln-family_id;


(to be continued....)

Story Time...(For Kidz)

Once there lived a man named Anonymous in a village called Known. His village was located in one of the mountain valleys of Mt. Famous. Mt. Famous was a popular tourist destination. Its’ lush green valleys and apple trees attracted tourists from all over the world.

Anonymous had a crush on Fame, the most beautiful lady in Known. She was daughter of Success, the apple plantation owner. Anonymous’ father Misery and his mother Hunger worked in one of the plantations owned by Success. With such an unimpressive family background, it was impossible for Anonymous to get Fame as his life partner.

One day Anonymous left his village in search of Wealth, saint from the city of Gold. He walked through dark and dense Hardwork forest. He swam across river Impossible. Finally he reached at a detour to Gold, the village called Luck. Villagers were not at all friendly. They asked Anonymous to either give them 1000 Braves (local currency) or return back. After leaving his small home called Comfort, anonymous had made lots of Braves during his journey. He paid the villagers and reached the city of Gold. Wealth liked Anonymous straightaway. He packed his bag and accompanied Anonymous on his way back to Known. Wealth promised to stay with Anonymous as long as he will cross forests and rivers to bring his medicines from Gold. With the magical powers of Wealth, Anonymous built a big house. He bought apple plantations. Success was impressed with Anonymous and he married his daughter to Anonymous. Soon after their marriage, Anonymous changed his name to Well Known.

Mr. and Mrs. Well Known lived happily ever after.

Crap-Rap - Hottie

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…Grrrrrrrrr…..
Grrrrrrr….Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…..

(Just scream …no need of any rhythm…just scream)…

Grrrrrr…Grrrrrrrrrrrrr….Grrrrrrrrrr.
Grrrrrrrrrrrrr……………………….

(Here we go my bro…yo \../)

Check it out...my new tire
Check it out…my new gear
Check it out… my back fire
Check it out… how they fear


Oh baby …I have no money
Oh baby…can’t have u honey


Check it out…my speedo
Check it out…my tacho
Check it out…my odo
Check it out…my meters


Oh baby…. You look so kewl
I know ...you won’t drink much fuel


I am hottie
I am naughty
I am cutie
Oh...I am beauty…..


“Hey you …can I ride this car
For a test…won’t take it far”

…………….


Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…Grrrrrrrrr…..
Grrrrrrr….Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…..
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…Grrrrrrrrr…..
Grrrrrrr….Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…..

(100...120...140….170…..)

(police siren……..twainnnnn twaiiiinnnnnnnnnn)
(breaks…….creeeeeeeeekkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk)

….please step out of the car… place your hands on your head……….

A Prank

I was in Hyderabad, sharing flat with 5 other roomies. We were very close friends and we used to go to office together by tum – tum. Ahhh…so much love and friendship…But there was one problem, if one of us gets late to wake up, we all got late for the office and most of the time the culprit was my friend Rijo. God knows how many times we scolded him, but he never woke up early. Finally we decided to play a prank on poor Rijo.

One fine day, all of us (except my dear friend Rijo) woke up at 5.00 am. It was a damn cold October morning. We adjusted all the watches and mobiles to show 8:00 am. I started ironing my shirt…. Saju wore his formal dress and switched on the TV…Abhishek went to call Rijo…

Abhishek: Wake up man, we are getting late again because of you...wake up …
Rijo(still in sleep): Let me sleep for some more minutes..
Abhishek(started kicking Rijo): We are getting late ...wake up..

Finally Rijo woke up. When he came to the drawing room, he saw me ironing my shirt.
Rijo(still rubbing his eyes): It’s still dark outside.
My turn,” it’s winter season, what else you expect at this time of year…now go and take bath”

Poor Rijo, he went inside bathroom….next we heard was a huge noise…….”aaaaaaaaaa…aaaaaaaaa”………..“Water is damn cold macha…..”
…. After hearing this we went back to sleep.

-Mission Accomplished

PS: Please try this at home. Its fun and Entertainment.

We are not alone - APJ

NASA Scientists have recently found another planet which has life on it. They concluded that most of the UFOs that visited earth are from this planet. Roger Benedict Dual, a Scientist from Ora Labs of Astronomy, discovered this planet. As per the naming conventions, the planet has been named after him. Planet Dual is 26,000 light years away from Earth. Like Earth it has a star (their Sun) which is their main source of energy.
A press release says that living beings on Dual are far more superior to human beings. It has been speculated that their brain matter is 3000 times more than us. Their technology is a far more advanced and it will take at least 500 years or more for humans to reach that stage.
Still their purpose of visiting earth in early ‘90s is not clear. When asked about this, NASA spoke person Dr. Vidrad said “We are not sure whether they are friends or foes. But we are ready to deal with them in any manner“. When asked how we can fight against their superior technology in case they rage a war, he said a young software engineer from India has provided them the solution and they are currently looking into it.
It was later on found that the young software engineer is from a leading company- NOKI and he is currently working in Oracle Apps Performance Tuning. According to him, nature has given us commands which we can use anywhere in the universe. He says, the sole source of energy for Planet Dual is the star and it is possible for us to make the planet devoid of there only star. The natural command for this will be “select * from dual”.
Brave software engineer has got plans to save earth from aliens. We are safe !!!
PS: “We are not alone – a pj”

A confusing story

A confusing story....
Ajith likes Anjali. But Anjali has got a crush on Ankur. But she won't take the initiative and will wait till Ankur say so. Ankur thinks Anjali is his best friend and don't have any other feelings. He believes in love at first sight, which he realized when he first saw Ajitha , Ajiths' sister. Ajitha and Anjali are friends, so she knows Anjali has got a crush on Ankur and used to give Anjali different ideas to impress Ankur. Ajith is Ankurs' best friend, Ankur thinks it's against all moral code to propose a friends' sister.
For CAT folks (others can skip this passage)
Aj (M)->An(F)
An(F)-> Ank(M)
Ank(M)->Aj(F)
M->M wrong...at least in this story
F->F wrong… at least in this story

Okay let's get back to the story..
So we have gotta problem here. First, the names are confusing -all starting with A. Why all names starting with As? I love people whose name start with A, they are the one who screw VIVA first. Second, we don't have an angel SRK to solve this puzzle. Why no SRK? The story has nothing to do with hockey or cricket. So let's put a doggy in the story. Why doggy? I love Doggies.
Ajith has got a cute, very beautiful, very pretty, very naughty dog - Arnold - Doberman. Arnold never barks, just chases. Anna, Ajiths' milkman, still remembers the day when he rode his cycle faster than Armstrong for 5 kms. After that Arnold overtook Anna and went on chasing a bike.
It happened so, once our cute Arnold went after Ankur. Ankur tried his very best to dodge doggy but he couldn't and landed up in the City hospital, totally unconscious. No bites!!! No bleeding!!! No Injections!!! When he opened his eyes, he saw Ajith standing next to his bed, Ajitha was sitting there in a steel chair, reading Famina. Anjali was sitting at his bed, her eyes brimming with tears and nose..leave it. Ankur looked towards Ajitha (in SRK style), and somehow managed to make a sentence, âbla..bla..bla.....
Ajitha dropped Femina, Anjali stood up, and Ajith looked anxious. "What?"
"bla..bla..bla.."
"What happened to you man?"
"bla..bla..bla..'"
Ajith brought Dr. Asthana and doc took a closer look at his patient and finally said, 'I think he is still in shock, it will take some time for him to get out of it".
Meanwhile, Ankur was making full use of this opportunity. He was looking towards Ajitha and saying "bly bla blu....bly bla blu.."
"He is trying to say something... Ankur what is it?'
"bly bla blu...bly bla blu"
"What?"
Even Ankur didn't realize when he regained his proper sentence making ability and shouted out those 3 words. Everyone was shocked.
Finally, Ankur got Ajitha and Ajith got Anjali.
God knows from where Arnold came to the hospital and poor Dr. Asthana ended in the bed next to ankur!!!
For CAT folks (others can skip this passage)
Aj (M)->An(F)
An(F)-> Aj(M)
Ank(M)->Aj(F)
Aj(F)->Ank(M)
Ar(D) still Chasing someone....

He-She (The Pink Bag)

She: Hye!!
He: Oh!! How was your trip?
She: Great. What are you reading?
He: Nothing just BB News.
She: Any latest News?
He: Yah ..this one ...Poilce found a pink bag in railway station, near a weighing machine.
They took the bag to Nehru stadium. When they opened it, they didn't find anything except pink teddy bear, pink nail polish set, pink...pink..pink..and

(He turns back and wonders) Where did she go?

He-She (Bomb Squad)

She: I think I will join Police force

He: What for?

She: To kill all bad guys and terrorists.

He: Go Ahead!! I won't stop you. Better join bomb squad!!! Hope you know how to remove the pin!!!

She: Nope!!!

He: Remove your helmet..go near the bomb, remove the pin

She: Then

He: A long leave .. :D

He-She (Weighing Machine)

She: Hye!! I checked my weight today.
He: So what did the weighing machine say?
She: 44.9!! Isn't that great, I reduced 0.1 kg in 10 days.
He: Huh!! That's sad
She: Why?
He: I thought the weighing machine will say 'to be continued...'

Friends For Ever

River which always flows

Make new friends, make few foes

One that keep changing course

One that hardly remembers its source

Knows it want to reach the sea

Friendship it hardly see

Pond which stays at one place

Make friends, vitriol not its face

One that is calm never leaves its realm

Past, resides in it afresh and warm

Nothing but friendship it savor

Like a Pond, I am your friend...

.... Friend for Ever

He - She (CAT Preparation)

She : Hi Good Morning !!
She: Any idea which is the best coaching institute for CAT.
He: Best coaching - only @ home. Do one thing…
(After a couple of minutes)
She :What?
He: Drop her from a height and teach her how to land on her back

He - She (Dark Knight)

Coming out of the theater after watching Dark Knight
He: Awesome movie. I want to watch it again.
Will you come with me tomorrow?
She: Even I want to see the movie again!!!

He: I know you liked the Joker.
She: Yah I liked him. Moreover I just want to know who d hell is this Gautam!!!

He faints ***